Ever since I got sick in 1997, with the combined might of renal failure and anabolic steroids, I seem to have lost my sweet tooth a bit; Whereas I once loved things like suckers, Chunks Ahoy and chocolate bars, today I can only eat them in small amounts (except Chunks Ahoy, where the only appropriate helping is none). I still like cakes, muffins and general pastries, but the one sweet where no love is lost for me is Ice Cream. I love it like heroine. However, even I know when to stop shoveling it into my mouth.
Edy's Slow Churned ice cream is a low-fat brand I've been seeing a lot of lately, at least on TV. Just watch this commercial and see if you notice the logical fallacy:
Edy's claims to use half the fat of regular ice cream. This may very well be true, and if it is, kudos to you Edy's. And since it's only half the fat, Edy's suggests that hey, why not have a bit more? Well guess what, Edy's. If you're eating two bowls of ice cream with half the fat of regular ice cream, you're just eating the same amount of fat as a single bowl of ice cream. Genius move, Edy's! What a smart, health-conscious ad campaign! Instead of having less fat, why not have the same amount with twice the ice cream?
See, unbeknownst to the fat stupid consumers that litter North America, fat isn't the only thing that makes us overweight. Ice Cream also has sugar, calories, milk solids, and numerous other sweeteners and chemicals. If you're looking to consume the same amount of fat for twice the bang for your buck, then sure, have "a little bit more." But know that you're also consuming twice the calories and twice the sugar. You might have diabetes and clogged arteries, but at least you're not fat.
Idiots.
This sort of sentiment is something that really pisses me off. It's the bloated western mentality of "Consume, then consume some more." We have it so fucking good here, whereas people in Ethiopia and other third world countries would kill for a morsel of food. But do we try and help them, when we have so much to spare? No, we strive to eat even more. This commercial speaks to the deepest-most recesses of the human psyche. This ad appeals to those who like to stuff their face. Well, now you can stuff just a little bit more into that festering gullet of yours thanks to Edy's, America! Is it sweet? I hope it's worth it.
I'm no member of Greenpeace, nor do I contribute to the Christian Children's Help Fund. But there is an arrogance in this commercial that even baffles me. Learn to eat a single bowl and be fucking happy you have that, gluttons.
As for some of the less politically-charged aspects of this ad, notice how the teenagers here get up to dance upon noticing their empty bowls. "Hurrah, our bowls are empty! We can fill them again! Let us dance to the Gods of High-Fructose Corn Syrup!" The people this commercial is trying to appeal to are the people who want to lose weight. The people who respond to commercials like this are the folks who want a quick, easy fix to weight gain; they'd like to lose weight, but not have to move to do so. These people then see "low fat" on a product and think therefore it must be the answer to their woes.
So, let's recap:
- The ice cream is for people who want to lose weight
- The people who will buy this ice cream will do so as a substitute for exercise
Therefore
- The people who buy this ice cream will not be likely to jump out of their seats and boogie with excitement. They will more than likely bitch and wheeze just walking over to the fridge to get another helping.
I know exactly why they do it, but it always seems so funny to me that young, slim, sexy people are used to push every sweetened glob of sugar on the market, especially the ones being sold as a healthy alternative. "If they're thin, and they're eating McKeener's Syrup Fudge Nuggets, then I can eat them and be thin too! Praise the High-Fructose lord!" Drumstick is notorious for this sort of thing. I remember last year they had a feel-good craphat of a spot where all sorts of half-naked teenagers were on the beach, eating some prepackaged ice cream cones, living every day to the fullest. It was lame, it was crap, and the whole time I was wondering "why aren't they fat from eating this shit?"
Drumstick shall receive my full attention, specifically in regards to their latest piece of shit advertising, at a later date.
Oh, and nice American Idol reference, Edy's. You really have a deep, fundamental connection to the youth demographic of people 18-34. Way to go!
Well, that's about it for this edition of Ad Nauseum. Do me a favor, dear readers; go home, enjoy a delicious bowl of ice cream, and then don't have seconds. There are children starving in China, you know.
- Silent G
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