Swedile's Flips and Flops of 2010 - Top 5 Best Movies

Greetings, faithful Japanese spambot readers (and whoever else may have tuned in)! Well, it's that time of year again - the end of it. And as we have the tendancy to tally up our successes and failures of the past 365.25 days - some of us for the basis of a New Year's Resolution a.k.a. "Setting Yourself Up For A Fall" - I thought it would be a fun idea to put together a record of my success and failures in seeing movies. To say that less convolutedly, this is Swedile's best and worst films (as I saw them) of 2010!

While I won't be reviewing the following films proper, I will employ the "Batman & Robin Movie Gradation Scale" for reference, just to give y'all their final scores.

THE 5 BEST FILMS OF 2010

5. How To Train Your Dragon/Tangled (tie)







I really could not choose between these two. They're both quality, top-notch animated movies, they're both gorgeous and excellent examples of CGI cartooning done RIGHT, and they were both surprise hits for me (we saw HtTyD entirely because the main dragon bore an uncanny resemblance in both appearence and behavior to my friend's cat). When trying to pick between them, I was torn. On the one hand, Dragon was a Dreamworks movie with a lot of heart instead of a lot of pop culture references, and was a complete surprise. With Tangled, on the other hand, the quality was more expected of a Disney flick, especially since they're trying to recapture the good ol' days of my youth lately. But considering that where Princess and the Frog was less than thrilling in that department, this one succeeded. It's no Aladdin or Lion King, but it's still very likable. If I haaaadddd to pick, I'm leaning towards Dragon, but they're soooooo close I wanted to honour them both.

Dragon: 0/4
Tangled: 0/4

4. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1




I never really cared all that much about Harry Potter until I learned how dark it gets as the series progresses. Once I heard about the plot of the last novel, I decided it was time to read the novels (back to back, even - finished in a month). Deathly Hallows soon became my favorite of the books. When I heard that they were cutting the book into two movies, I was extremely skeptical. To me it sounded just like a way to stretch this multimillion-dollar film franchise as far as it could. But having seen the first part, I can say cutting it up was the best thing the filmmakers could do. This chapter was so unlike the rest, and so much happens, it really helps the pacing. Furthermore, it's divided in such a way that it feels like it's breaking at a logical point to end as a movie. I was just really impressed overall. The acting and the atmosphere are tortured and sublime. Check it out.

0/4

3. Kick-Ass




I was really excited for this one. I am a huge fan of the comic on which it was based, and nature of the production had me genuinely atwitter. Essentially the first independant Superhero movie, I figured the rather controvertial subject matter of the comic would not be dulled my hesitant production companies. And to a certain end, that was how it turned out. It's violent, it's frenetic, it's controvertial. My one real problem with the film, as far as an adaptation goes, is that small superficial changes nullified the source material's ideology (namely, that being a superhero would be shit - I wrote a paper on it). It glorifies the daydream, instead of condemning it. It's realist panache is soon discarded in favor of flying in on a jetpack, guns ablaze. That said, this is a really fun movie. It really does try to capture the original as best it can, and if you recognize this ideological difference, it can be appreciated for what it is. This is a movie for people who want to play Superhero (and judging by the general response to the comic's ending versus the film's, there are a lot of people like that out there).

0/4

2. Toy Story 3




Toy Story was a masterpiece, and cemented Pixar in pop cinema forever. Toy Story 2 further explored the theme of loss I think epitomizes the entire Toy Story series, but it's ending left us hanging - someday, Andy will grow up, and the toys will have to deal. Ever since first seeing that movie 13 years ago, I have wanted to see that idea explored, and thankfully, after a lot of careful thought, Pixar delivers. And boy, do they deliver. This movie legitimizes Toy Story 2, in my eyes, and truly completes the Toy Story Trilogy. It's funny as ever, but also touches you more than the first two put together. If the ending does not induce a swell of emotion in you, and you've seen the other two movies, then you are simply not human (or incapable of experiencing empathy, which happens). HIGHLY recommended, for rental or purchase.

0/4

1. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World



Holy crap, was this movie awesome on every concievable level. It was well-cast to perfection. The visual effects were stunning. The editing was sublime. The music was extremely catchy and memorably. The writing was pithy and sharp. Even on the level of adaptation it was a stellar success, which is no small feat since they condensed six volumes into a 2 hour movie that captures the heart of the series but trims and splices when necessary. Edgar Wright is a true filmmaker, and he's clearly a man who sits at a computer and is intimately familiar with Final Cut, and as an aspiring editor, I really gravitate towards that. I am literally shocked at how lackluster this film performed at the box office. This is one of those movies that is going to be immensely appreciated as it ages. You are really doing a disservice to yourself if you've not seen this one. Easily best movie of the year, and recipient of my Vesty Award for Best Picture. I'd grade it higher if I could.

0/4

Check in for Par 2, my Top 5 WORST Movies of 2010 shortly.

- TheSilentG

Ad Nauseum: Huggies Jeans

After more than two years, I finally return to my award-winning* series, Ad Nauseum, where I tear apart the absolute worst of the worst in televised advertising. I had almost forgotten about Ad Nauseum, until I saw something a while ago that absolutely shattered my belief that the world at least tries to be a sane and rational place. What horrid advert could render me so bleak?

Huggies Jeans, that's what:



Not nearly limited enough, Huggies.

........I don't even know where to begin.

This is, easily, the single most warped and disturbing example of fetishizing I have ever seen in my life, and it's done in an attempt to sell you diapers. I feel like a scat-loving pedophile wrote this. Here's this baby, in a white shirt and blue-tampoed diapers strolling down the streets of Madrid or someplace. Everywhere he goes, he's turning heads. This infant, who may or may not have developed object permanence yet, is clearly the sexiest thing to ever grace God's green Earth, at least to these people. That. Is. FUCKED. UP.

Now, ok, before anyone starts saying I'm reading too much into this and assuming from that what I'm bringing to this ad when I watch it, don't worry. I know where they're going with this. The commercial is saying Jeans look good on people, babies now have Jean Diapers, so they too can look good. I get it. But the issue I take is the reaction ADULTS are having to this kid. Like, in most commercials where they attribute adult mannerisms to infants, they populate the commercial ONLY with infants. If they were doing an ad where a kid's getting diaper rash while sitting at his cubicle filing the finger paints Mr. Georgie wants on his desk by nap time, he's not going to be working in an office with adults. His cubicle neighbors will also be infants, probably holding their hands to their mouths in abject horror at that kid's rash in the cute way babies pretend to be shocked. Had they gone that route here, I'd find the commercial far, FAR less warped. Sure, he's sexy, but to the girl babies. It's appropriate. But adding adults to the equation oddly makes it go from cute to OH MY GOD THAT KID'S STRUTTING DOWN DIDDLER ALLEY! RUN KID!

I'm not done. The other serious problem with this ad is just...the glorifying attitude it takes towards defecation. I'm a prudish, fragile North American. I'm used to innuendo as the language of commercials that deal with topics that are not dinner-conversation-safe. Like, I'd rather hear "When I'm not feeling fresh" than "When I have a smelly yeast infection," or why those Charmin bears really put me off when they show me their toilet paper cling-ons. And of all the topics that are gross to talk about, human feces is probably my least favorite. The reason that blue liquid was invented was so commercials could AVOID using poop and urine in commericals, or even evoking it. Nothing is cleaner, more sterile, and more wholesome than blue liquid.

This commerical, if you will, cuts right to the crap. The whole commercial, this baby is inner-monologuing about how fucking rad he is when he drops a log:

-"My diaper is full...full of chic!" (Is that what we're calling it now?)
-"When I go #2, I look like #1!"
-"I poo in blue!"

Like, wow. No foreplay at all, just right for the obvious. This kid, and by extension YOUR kids, will be shitting in these diapers. Thank you. Thank you for taking that imagery and force-feeding it into my brain. I really needed to picture the contents of a blue diaper randomly and without warning when watching TV.

But the worst is saved for last. Huggies has managed to concoct the single most baffling tagline ever used in an attempt to sell a product, ever. The ad proudly proclaims at the end of this madness that wearing Huggies Jeans will be "The Coolest You'll Look Pooping Your Pants."

Let's allow that to sink in for just a minute.

.....

We good? Good.

HOLY SHIT!

That's just....deranged. The coolest you'll look pooping your pants? Allow me to attest, and I think we can all agree, as a society, a species, and as inhabitants of this realm of existence, that no one, anywhere, EVER, has or will look cool pooping their pants. As an act, it is like a cool solvent; it kills the cool instantly. Imagine a big bowl of liquid cool, and much like the water/pepper/oil experiment from 1st Grade science, drop a pi....actually, on second thought, DON'T imagine that. I have a better example:

You're at a party. It's pretty fun. You're mingling. Someone compliments you on your dress or jacket or whatever you're wearing to look presentable. It's all going well. But then you come across that guy. You know, That Guy. The cool guy who's buds with all the guys and the object of lust of all the girls (and some of the guys). His hair has JUST enough product in it. His shirt is plain white with collars but somehow he makes it look like he's wearing sex. He's got jeans on. He's telling a bunch of girls how volunteering for the Big Brother program is soooo rewarding, all the while causing the girls to swoon and/or ovulate with desire. He's just that fucking cool.

And then he shits his pants.

Is he cool now? No, he's not. This commercial is fucking stupid.

- TheSilentG

*Awards may have been self-awarded.

Swedile at the Movies: The Last Airbender

Ok, where to start...

How about, "I hate this fucking movie?"

Sorry for the spoiler vis a vis my score (more or less), but man, I really hate this movie. It just...UUUGH. Ok, I'll get into it down below instead of blowing my load here. Just, jeez.

Batman and Robin scale, same as always. Here we go.


Story/Adaptation:

In a fictional world of martial arts and mysticism, there are four nations, each one built around an element; Air, Water, Earth and Fire. Some people in these nations are capable of "bending" their national element, and by that I mean that they can physically manipulate these elements by performing martial arts their culture has developed. However, there exists one person in the world called The Avatar who is the physical embodiment of nature, and has the capacity to bend all four elements. This person is as mortal as anyone, but they reincarnate once they die, into the next culture in the cycle. The most recent Avatar, an Air Nomad named Aang, runs away after learning he is the Avatar, because he feels he is not ready for the responsibility to the world that comes with the title. While fleeing on his flying Sky Bison Appa, he gets trapped in a violent storm and falls into the arctic waters below. Shortly thereafter, the militaristic Fire Nation undergoes it's invasion of the other nations to gain control over the globe. They begin by exterminating the Air Nomads, knowing that the new Avatar will have been born into that culture.

100 years pass, and two teenagers from the Southern Water Tribe (Katara and her older brother Sokka) discover Aang, frozen in a sphere of ice and living in suspended animation using his Avatar powers. They awaken him, and he learns what his cowardice has wrought. Together with Katara and Sokka, Aang quests to the Northern Water Temple to learn Waterbending, the first of the three remaining elements he must master before unlocking his full potential, which he will use to stop the Fire Nation. But on the way, he is hunted by the Fire Nation, in particular the scarred and banished Prince Zuko, who must capture the Avatar if he wishes to return home.

The story is excellent. BUT, I say that with a caveat. That being, I love the story because it is the same story as the animated series on which this movie was based, that show being Avatar: The Last Airbender. This show is awesome to the max. It's probably the best North American-made animated series since Batman: The Animated Series, and in some ways, even better. The story is epic, original, and spans three seasons, with a COMPLETE story in mind from the start. The story is written so tightly, I'm still picking up on things I missed the first time around. And what's more, the show has so much heart. The acting is top notch, and every performance makes you feel the emotions the characters are supposed to be feeling. It's just outstanding. I absolutely recommend you see the show.

That said...

Technically, the movie sticks very close to the plot of the first season of Avatar (with the movie planned to be the first in a trilogy, each adapting the full second and third seasons, respectively). But this is actually to the movie's detriment. There are two polar directions an adaptation movie can be taken; either it wildly deviates from the source material and is [Insert Series Title] in name only, or it can be meticulously accurate to the events depicted in the source material and come off entirely rigid or forced. The best adaptations are literally that; an adaptation of material from one medium to another, so as to make it work for the new medium while still maintaining the overall spirit of the original. It's a balance. Now, we see a lot of the kind of adaptations that deviate too much, but we very rarely see the opposite. Well, if you've seen this movie, you've seen just that. The Last Airbender focuses almost entirely on just making sure the major plot points are addressed, with little regard for the flow or the heart of the story. It is Avatar-By-Bullet-Point. Sure, all the things happen, most of the characters are in it, references to things we won't even see until future installments are made, the whole nine yards. But at LEAST a third of this is expounded. Like, in the show's opening, Katara narrates the basic premise of the show, and to the movie's credit, this is more or less how the movie starts (only with a lame text scroll instead of the footage from the show). However, Shyamalan took this idea and RAN THE FUCK WITH IT. Katara narrates throughout the whole friggin' movie. And boy, they couldn't have trusted a worse person with most of the story (but I'll get to that shortly). And the writing. GOD, THE DIALOGUE. It is some of the most wooden shit I've ever heard. And it's mismanaged, even! There was a baffling scene where Katara narrates an event 3 minutes before we're shown the event she's narrating! Like, CONTINUITY PLZ.

In an interview, Shyamalan said he doesn't feel comfortable writing films that are longer than 90 minutes, that's his comfort level. As such, this movie is about that long. THAT is precisely why there is so much exposition! He's given the task, hell, LOBBIES for the task of taking 20 episodes of a narrative-rich epic adventure, and condensing it down to 3 30-minute acts? That's bullshit. This kind of movie needs to be at least 2 hours, if not longer. Then, the story can breathe. You can linger in the moments a bit, instead of dashing to the final battle like the story's being chased by a rabid dog. The story felt like a chore for the writer, instead of a joy:

"I got to the origin? Ok, good. Explained why Aang was in the ice? Well, it's narrated, but it's good enough. Done. Oh yeah, gotta do the Blue Spirit, even though I don't have time to relate the character's motivations in any way. Is it quitting time yet?"

That's what this movie feels like. If something like this is too much for him, which he basically admitted is true, he should have let someone else write the movie. He acts like an auteur, when his steady decline has evidenced that he is so not (and this is coming from someone who has defended most of his movies).

So the story, which he adapted from someone else's work, is great! But the writing is rushed, lazy, hackneyed AND stilted, the dialogue is atrocious and expositional to the point of DEATH BED-LEVEL NARRATION, and overall felt more like a task than a labour of love for the writer. I hope that clarifies my position.

Casting/Acting:

Um, WOW. This movie is RIDDLED with horrible acting, like how a rotting corpse is riddled with maggots. As I hinted before, Nicola Peltz was just awful as Katara. She's just reading her lines, which are horribly written, so double whammy. She doesn't even pronounce words properly (not just the in-series names that were frequently butchered, real words!). Her motivations are completely unknown to me or the audience-at-large. She's just bad.

Jackson "I'm-In-Twilight-So-Strike-One" Rathborne plays her brother Sokka, who in the show is so well acted who brings a lot of levity to the series, as well as being a strong leader to other characters. Guess what? OVERACTING CITY, POPULATION: THIS PUTZ. He takes everything SO SERIOUSLY, while never once coming off as serious. It's just weird.

Noah Ringer as Aang was ooooookayyyyy, and I put heavy emphasis on that. In the realm of child actors, he's average, and child actors aren't usually awesome. He's not as bad as Jake Lloyd as Anakin Skywalker, but not but enough. Though I also give this kid credit; much like Justin Chatwin as Goku in Dragonball Evolution, I don't put all the blame on him. See, he wasn't asked to play Aang as such. Aang is a kid, he's fun-loving. Sure, they exposit in the script that he is fun-loving, but he's not asked to actually perform as such. There are hints he could be fun, but he's just not asked to be. So I don't hate this kid.

Asif Mandvi as General Zhao. Huh. This one's kind of tough. On one hand, he was not that good. But on the other hand, he was much better than I was expecting. I mean, he's on THE DAILY SHOW. He was in Spider-Man 2 FIRST, and in retrospect, I can't divorce his Daily Show persona from Mr. Aziz and his 29 Minute Guarantee. Here, I was doing an ok job of playing a character. Sure, he was over-the-top cartoon villain character. Heck, he's more cartoony than the cartoon character he's portraying. But at least he's trying, dammit. Still, he's unintentionally hilarious and removes all the pathos from the original character single-handedly, so take that as you will.

The only two performances I liked were Dev Patel as Zuko and, much moreso, Shaun Taub as his uncle Iroh. Iroh was always an emotional anchor in the show, for Zuko especially, so I'm really glad they got an actor with real acting chops. He blasts through even the shittiest dialogue like a pro. He EMOTES. Holy heck. As for Zuko, he has cheesy moments, but he had good moments too, and he really shone when bouncing off of Taub. These two legitimately felt like they were an honest adaptation of the characters they were playing. Kudos.

Everyone else was HORRIBLE. Dregs of the earth. And the girl they got to cameo as Azula at the end was creepy. She didn't behave or speak like a human being, trying REALLY hard to imitate the show's character, but it was just so beyond her scope as a human being to even sound human. But I also will say right now, at least half of the bad performances I lobby a lot of blame on the script being so wooden and lifeless, even good actors struggle.

Oh, and the whole racist thing? I don't, and never, gave a shit about that beyond thinking that Katara and Sokka REALLY should have been Inuit or something. I really don't think the casting was racist, just lazy. But even if it was, it's the LEAST of this movie's problems.

Special Effects & Art Direction:

This is one of the few areas where the movie is a success. Story, good acting and amazing writing is a major part of what made the show work so well, but another part is the visual landscape of the world they live in (and the animation, which is fantastic). The iconography of the world is very strong and unique, and the physics of the bending looks very realistic in the cartoon. This was adapted very well to the screen. Small cosmetic changes were made to make certain things seem more realistic or detailed (the prime example being Aang's tattoos, which went from solid blue to a series of intricate designs, but still in the arrow shape of the show), but it maintained the spirit of the source material. And ILM brings their usual awesomeness to the project. The bending effects, for the most part, look quite realistic and to be working in the realm of physics. Water looks like water. Earthbenders lift walls from the ground, with sort of loose bricks composing them and shuffling under the dueling forces of the Bending powers and gravity. It all works. Some of the final fight looks cartoony, but I am totally forgiving of it. Point is, this movie LOOKS like the perfect screen adaptation of Avatar. It's just a shame the only way this movie succeeds is entirely cosmetically.

Music:

This is the only other part of the experience I enjoyed. James Newton Howard didn't adapt the musical motifs of the show, but his score sounds just as epic, and epic in that "I'm watching an epic Hollywood fantasy and there's totally some whimsy involved" way that pervaded the 90s. I hate the movie, but I'm probably going to download the soundtrack.

Editing:

Since starting Journalism school, I've learned I have an love and maybe even an affinity for video editing. Since I've started down that path, I've become hyper-aware of editing in movies as I watch them. I really appreciate when it's done well, and it's very noticeable when it's done poorly. And man, THIS MOVIE PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE FOR 90 MINUTES WITH IT'S SHITTY EDITING. Stuff was cut. And I say this not just because the Kyoshi Warriors were totally exorcised from the film, but it's just painfully obvious there is a lot of shit missing. In fact, I'm sure at least some of the narration was hastily added to cover for plot points that were cut at the last minute. It's the same way I noticed that stuff was cut at the eleventh hour from Spider-Man 3 and the theatrical cut of Watchmen, only far, far worse. It's akin to a record skipping or a streaming video buffering, only it's skipping at the transition points constantly, so technically you're not being cut off mid-sentence, but really, you might as well be. Truly vile editing. Conrad Buff aka the editor of this monstrosity, if you are reading this, you suck.

M. Night Shyamalan:

Yeah, I went there. I'd talk about direction, but this movie was not directed. There was no director. There's Shyamalan, and he's credited as the director. But there was no direction in this movie. Hunker down folks, cuz I have a bit to say about this, and I may ramble.

So, the reason Shyamalan said he took this job is because one Halloween, his daughter said she wanted to dress up as Katara. M. Night didn't know who this was, so his daughter showed him the show. Soon, watching Avatar became a family event at the Shyamalan house, watching the series conclude together. It was a touching story. But now, having seen the movie, I think it's bullshit. He couldn't have watched Avatar and produced this. Or more accurately, he couldn't have been paying it much attention or caring about it too much. Sure, he knows the basic story, but he didn't understand the characters at all. He didn't get it, basically. He just didn't get it. He probably was more interested in spending time with his kids, which as a human being, is to his credit. My dad used to watch cartoons with me, but he didn't care about them. He was just spending time with me. Honourable, but not a good reason to direct a movie, as it turns out.

Actually, this is the second movie he's done because of his kids, the other being Lady in the Water (a FAR better movie, which says something),which is loosely based off a bedtime story he wrote for his kids. Isn't that a little odd when you think about it? Like, this is where he's drawing inspiration from. Not that hippie "my kids inspire me every day" way a lot of people who work in creative fields say, but like, he gets ideas for his next movie from them directly. I bring this up because here, today, in this review, is where I finally and irrevocably renounce my status as an M. Night Shyamalan Apologist. See, I've defended MOST of his movies to date, even up until Lady in the Water. But slowly and surely, he's snowballed. The Happening was at best hilarious, and at worst amazingly boring, but even then I was like, "even the best director has a bad movie." Not that I ever thought he was one of the best directors, but I at least appreciated his attempt to be creative and play with genre conventions. But this movie, there's no excuse. Absolutely none. When he is GIVEN the story and rapes it so thoroughly, that's your hoarse swan song as a director, or at least as an auteur, which he clearly thinks he is. If there is a second movie, and it's helmed once more by M. Night, I won't see it. That's how bad this movie is creatively. It's just all-around lazy on his end. And the final nail in the coffin for me as a fan of his is that I recently found out the movie that started it all for him, The Sixth Sense, wasn't even an original idea of his. He ripped the twist from an episode of "Are You Afraid of the Dark", a show I loved as a kid and still think was way ahead of its time. So basically he wrote a movie he basically yanked from a kid's show, it was a huge success (and to his credit, it was well-directed). Since then, he's been riding the coat tails of that success. It's why he's the "twist ending" guy! And in trying to chase that dragon, he's squandered what creativity he had, letting it stagnate in the familiar. Every movie he's ever made, besides this one, has been The Sixth Sense, just in a different genre. I think Unbreakable is the most creative thing he's ever done, which is sad because it's overlooked, but since then, it went from amazing, to mediocre, to dull, to dull and egotistical, to so bad it's good, and now finally, so bad it's caused the last human being on earth who gave him credit to renounce him as a director worthy of attention. I hope this is "The Last Shyamalan," because he's not only hurting himself, but his kids. I can't imagine how much they hate him right now.

FINAL SCORE:

3.5/4 - A horrible movie with some strong points, but they have almost nothing to do with the story and doesn't save it in any way.

I so rarely use decimal points in my scores, but this one is SO CLOSE to a 4/4 it really calls for it. A 3/4 suggests the redeeming qualities make it somewhat worth watching, but this isn't the case here. Not unless you could watch it with all but the music muted. Or maybe with audio from the cartoon dubbed in. Or something like that. This movie is unwatchable. The dialogue is as wooden as a tree, most of the actors can't come off as believably human, the story is treated like a task to be finished as soon as possible, the editing made my eyes bleed, and the directing is a non-factor because the director can't direct. And this is just the surface, people. There's a ton of shit that bothered me that I didn't even get to. The use of Appa and Momo. Shooting in Philly for most of the location shots. Mispronouncing the names and terms from the show constantly (lol Agni KEE). The PLOT HOLES JEEZ. There's just...so much. It has topped so many movies I thought couldn't be out-shitted by anything, and this includes Dragonball Evolution. YES. DRAGONBALL EVOLUTION bothered me less. How something as awesome as Avatar could be turned into something so astronomically shitty is a feat I can't believe was achieved.

So, yeah. I hate this fucking movie.

Until next time,
- TheSilentG

Swedile at the Movies: The A-Team

Well, it sure has been a while since I've done one of these. And by "one of these," I mean both a review and a post on my own blog. Holy Crap! Well, I've been in a mood to review, and I sure haven't got anything better to do lately, so I thought I'd step back into the fray with a movie I didn't expect to enjoy as much as I did, The A-Team.

As usual, my Batman & Robin Movie Gradation Scale will be used to judge this movie in the most asinine way possible. Here's a refresher:

0/4 - Perfect or near perfect movie
1/4 - An otherwise good movie that has negative aspects too big to overlook
2/4 - Mediocre; not bad, but nothing special
3/4 - An otherwise bad movie with a few good aspects
4/4 - Bad movie, with almost nothing to keep your attention
5/4 - A special score for movies so bad they dissolve livers


So yeah, The A-Team:

Story

The year is...well, it's not 1972, but it's, like, 2002 or something, and a crack team of covert commandos have a bodacious adventure together, and form The A-Team; inexplicably America's most valuable military asset. What about them makes them so valuable? They're out of their minds and have issues with authority, that's why!

OK, so, cut to present day, and the A-Team are slumming it in Iraq. Internal Affairs or something ask the A-Team not to get involved in some sting to recover stolen US Mint printing plates that are being smuggled out of Baghdad, but naturally, Hannibal (their chain-smoking, plan-loving leader for those who haven't ever heard of The A-Team, played by Liam Neeson) goes to his superior and, while OFFICIALLY he's still ordered not to, the team's given his tacit approval, and they pull off a daring plan to get them back. The mission is a success, but it turns out to be a trap; their superior dies in a car explosion, and in the confusion, the plates are stolen by Black Forest mercenaries (der I wonder if these guys are supposed to be Blackwater?). Framed for a crime they didn't commit, they're sent to federal prison - from which they promptly escape.

So OK, I forgot to mention, but there's this CIA guy named Lynch (Patrick Wilson)who tipped the A-Team off to the whole issue with the stolen plates back in Iraq. He comes to see Hannibal in prison and arranges his escape. Hannibal then helps bust the rest of the team out, which include Face (Bradley Cooper), B.A. Baracus (Quentin Jackson) and Mad Dog Murdock (Sharlto Copley). Their goal is to get the plates back and restore their good names by proving they were set up.

Now, let me say right now - the story itself, the way it's set up, and the cliches used, are exactly, 100% the same as any other "covert team that doesn't play by the rules must get behind enemy lines to save the President's daughter" action movie ever made. The general who died? He's secretly alive and was in on the whole thing. The most helpful character at the beginning of the movie? You'd better believe he's the bad guy. The hot IA agent (Jessica Biel)? She had a relationship with Face at some undisclosed time, but they broke up and hate each other at the beginning of the movie, but are making out by the end. I could TIME it when certain plot elements popped up. It's entirely predictable what would happen. However, I am totally forgiving of it in the case of this movie, because of one simple element...

Characters/Acting

...and that element is the A-Team themselves. These people were AWESOME.

Hannibal was played to perfection by Neeson. Sure, he was chewing the scenery pretty bad, but as well he should be - it's Hannibal! His first scene in the movie was probably my second-favorite. He was like a chain-smoking Batman! And you could tell Neeson was loving every minute of it. He really got a chance to stretch and have fun with this one.

Cooper's Face was also pretty entertaining. He was your typical smarmy lady-killer, but within that capacity he did quite well. The film maker's were also smart enough to make him a competent member of the team, too. If he'd just been this playboy making kissy-faces with Biel the whole movie, I don't think I'd have liked him as much. Heck, I can guarantee that much.

Quentin "Rampage" Jackson was the lame duck of the team, considering he's a UFC fighter and not an actor. If I was given the chance to coach Jackson on his performance, and he would be FORCED to adhere to my recommendation, but the stipulation was I had to limit my critique to a single word, it's no contest what word I would choose - ENUNCIATE! Half of his lines were mumbled so badly I had no idea what he was saying. But besides that, he held up as B.A. - he looked the part, he could brandish "Foo's" with the best of them, and he had some well-delivered comedic moments. He FELT like B.A., and ultimately, that's what's most important to me.

But by far the winner of the team is Sharlto's Murdock. After seeing the poster pictured above while waiting in line with a friend to see Iron Man 2 (which will hopefully be reviewed soon), I found Copley's gaze hilariously "come hither"-esque, and have been jokingly swooning over it for the last month. Well, let me tell you, he legitimately earned every last swoon, because he was awesome. I love Copley as an actor ever since I saw him in District 9. It's nice to see him get such a high-profile role so quickly, and totally winning that performance to boot. He's hilarious. He's every bit as crazy in the role as he's supposed to be. And yet, like with Face's character, he never seemed like he was just there to be goofy. He had a part on the team as deserved as anyone else.

That's the big success of this movie, in fact. They got some actors (and a glorified wrestler) to play characters who were not only on a team, but also friends, and you ABSOLUTELY BELIEVED IT. They had this instant chemistry most actors would kill for. They absolutely made this movie.

The other actors were okay. Patrick Wilson's Lynch was delightfully quirky, but then, we've seen so many quirky action villains already, so he didn't really deliver anything new.

Jessica Biel was, frankly, superfluous to the story. She didn't have to be there AT ALL. She was there to be Face's love interest. Otherwise, she was just following the aftermath of the A-Team the whole movie, and they could have had anyone do that. If she was a character in the original series, forgive me, because being born nearly two months after the series concluded, I have not seen any episodes. But if she was a character, she was woefully miscast or poorly scripted (or both). I didn't like her.

The leader of the Black Forest Cheese Cake Brigade was OK - he didn't totally fall into the "asshole competing military badass" stereotype, but he wasn't overly memorable. The rest of the cast is not worth mentioning because they didn't really do much.

The A-Team is the reason you would go see this movie. Without them, this the same movie you've seen dozens of times already.

Action

Speaking of how the A-Team makes this movie unique is the action. I am going to say it right now - the A-Team attempts to fly a free falling tank...AND SUCCEED. The A-Team allow for stuff that otherwise would seem entirely silly and implausible to the point where I would dislike it, because the A-Team is so silly and implausible as it is. It makes it really fun and, again, THEY FLY A TANK. HOW CAN YOU NOT LIKE THAT? It's over the top as hell, but you want it to be.

That said, there were really 4 major action set pieces, and you could REALLY tell when they used practical stunts and when they could use CGI and green screens. Two of the scenes - capturing the plates in Baghdad and kidnapping the supposed-to-be-dead general - were RIDDLED with shaky cam syndrome. It was incomprehensible and it gave me a headache. However, the other two major action scenes - the tank scene and the final, uh, battle I guess - used a significant amount of CGI, and the cinematography was way more steady and manageable. It was still insane but at least I could figure out what was happening. The difference is obvious and frankly, it makes me wish they had used some CG for each scene.

Comedy

So rarely do I find movies funny, especially when they're trying to be. I so rarely go to see comedies in the theatres because more often than not, I will be wasting my money. So when a movie actually IS funny, and not one joke seems strained or forced or unbelievably stupid, I am overjoyed. I was most certainly overjoyed the whole way through this movie. The A-Team is almost effortlessly funny. It's scary. You will laugh your ass off.

Music

If I had to make a guess as to what one thing made The A-Team such a pop culture staple , I would have to guess it was the theme. Sure, the characters are great and it was surely memorable for other reasons, but that theme song is so damn catchy, it kept its memory alive for 20+ years after being cancelled. So when the movie was announced, I was like, "they NEED to use that theme song." Which they did. Buuuuttttt....I dunno. It was used kind of, to grossly misuse the word, schizophrenically. The general motif was used all the time, which was fine. But then there were times where it felt shoehorned into the score. Like, they'd use the motif, and then the following music sounded so jarring and out of place, it felt really forced. There were a couple of times the music was really well-used, but it felt like the filmmakers had a dozen ideas of where to put the theme song in the movie, and they used them all. It's the opposite of the problem with the Transformers movies and how they implement the classic theme. And lastly, the one place it really NEEDED to be (that being a full version of the song played during the first part of the credits), they totally dropped the ball. Overall, I liked that the theme was in the movie, but I wish it had been more focused in how it was used.

The rest of the score was 100%, completely forgettable.

Direction/Editing

I found this to be moderate at best. Clearly Joe Carnahan can hold his own directing an action blockbuster, especially considering the scope of this one. It's just nuts (again, I must reiterate the whole "flying tank" aspect). But as I said earlier, the scenes where practical effects were used, it was obvious shaky cam was used to, I don't know, I guess to make things a little more obscure or something. I apologize, but I am very suspicious of shaky cam. It seems like a way to hide an ineptitude in shooting practical action scenes. Sometimes it's used for a certain effect, such as the first scene in Batman Begins where Bruce goes out and fights crime as Batman. But most of the time, it just seems lazy (like the rest of the action scenes in Batman Begins). And boy, when this movie uses shaky cam, it's some of the worst I have EVER seen. It is so disorienting.

I also had issue with some of the editing. For the most part it was fine, but during the final scene, there's a lot of going back and forth with flashbacks. It's clear it's to set up the trap at the end, but I really didn't care for it. For one, I didn't need the recap because I figured out what they were planning before they explained the plan. Secondly, it just seems, I don't know...insulting. Like it doesn't have faith that we would remember. It flashed back to the same conversation TWICE during the scene. I don't know, it just seemed lazy to me.

But I gotta give the guy props - he knew this movie was about the characters WAY more than the plot, and it showed. This movie truly was an A-Team movie because the team was the main point of the whole movie. If it hadn't been for them being so awesome, I would have been very, very bored.

FINAL SCORE

1/4 - Pretty good, but with some minor problems

This movie is absolutely worth a watch. I've heard a lot of people say they want to see it again right away, and I actually disagree with that - I have no need to see it again. But as far as a typical action movie goes, this toppled my expectations. OK, so they were low, but still! This movie is by all accounts typical as hell, but four bad-ass soldiers for hire hijacked it and made it kick ass. And if nothing else, it has made me anticipate a sequel. It sure as hell sets up for one. And in my book, that's a success.

So that's my review. Remember, if you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if it's playing in a theatre near you, maybe you should watch....The A-Team.

- The Silent G