Ad Nauseum: Huggies Jeans

After more than two years, I finally return to my award-winning* series, Ad Nauseum, where I tear apart the absolute worst of the worst in televised advertising. I had almost forgotten about Ad Nauseum, until I saw something a while ago that absolutely shattered my belief that the world at least tries to be a sane and rational place. What horrid advert could render me so bleak?

Huggies Jeans, that's what:



Not nearly limited enough, Huggies.

........I don't even know where to begin.

This is, easily, the single most warped and disturbing example of fetishizing I have ever seen in my life, and it's done in an attempt to sell you diapers. I feel like a scat-loving pedophile wrote this. Here's this baby, in a white shirt and blue-tampoed diapers strolling down the streets of Madrid or someplace. Everywhere he goes, he's turning heads. This infant, who may or may not have developed object permanence yet, is clearly the sexiest thing to ever grace God's green Earth, at least to these people. That. Is. FUCKED. UP.

Now, ok, before anyone starts saying I'm reading too much into this and assuming from that what I'm bringing to this ad when I watch it, don't worry. I know where they're going with this. The commercial is saying Jeans look good on people, babies now have Jean Diapers, so they too can look good. I get it. But the issue I take is the reaction ADULTS are having to this kid. Like, in most commercials where they attribute adult mannerisms to infants, they populate the commercial ONLY with infants. If they were doing an ad where a kid's getting diaper rash while sitting at his cubicle filing the finger paints Mr. Georgie wants on his desk by nap time, he's not going to be working in an office with adults. His cubicle neighbors will also be infants, probably holding their hands to their mouths in abject horror at that kid's rash in the cute way babies pretend to be shocked. Had they gone that route here, I'd find the commercial far, FAR less warped. Sure, he's sexy, but to the girl babies. It's appropriate. But adding adults to the equation oddly makes it go from cute to OH MY GOD THAT KID'S STRUTTING DOWN DIDDLER ALLEY! RUN KID!

I'm not done. The other serious problem with this ad is just...the glorifying attitude it takes towards defecation. I'm a prudish, fragile North American. I'm used to innuendo as the language of commercials that deal with topics that are not dinner-conversation-safe. Like, I'd rather hear "When I'm not feeling fresh" than "When I have a smelly yeast infection," or why those Charmin bears really put me off when they show me their toilet paper cling-ons. And of all the topics that are gross to talk about, human feces is probably my least favorite. The reason that blue liquid was invented was so commercials could AVOID using poop and urine in commericals, or even evoking it. Nothing is cleaner, more sterile, and more wholesome than blue liquid.

This commerical, if you will, cuts right to the crap. The whole commercial, this baby is inner-monologuing about how fucking rad he is when he drops a log:

-"My diaper is full...full of chic!" (Is that what we're calling it now?)
-"When I go #2, I look like #1!"
-"I poo in blue!"

Like, wow. No foreplay at all, just right for the obvious. This kid, and by extension YOUR kids, will be shitting in these diapers. Thank you. Thank you for taking that imagery and force-feeding it into my brain. I really needed to picture the contents of a blue diaper randomly and without warning when watching TV.

But the worst is saved for last. Huggies has managed to concoct the single most baffling tagline ever used in an attempt to sell a product, ever. The ad proudly proclaims at the end of this madness that wearing Huggies Jeans will be "The Coolest You'll Look Pooping Your Pants."

Let's allow that to sink in for just a minute.

.....

We good? Good.

HOLY SHIT!

That's just....deranged. The coolest you'll look pooping your pants? Allow me to attest, and I think we can all agree, as a society, a species, and as inhabitants of this realm of existence, that no one, anywhere, EVER, has or will look cool pooping their pants. As an act, it is like a cool solvent; it kills the cool instantly. Imagine a big bowl of liquid cool, and much like the water/pepper/oil experiment from 1st Grade science, drop a pi....actually, on second thought, DON'T imagine that. I have a better example:

You're at a party. It's pretty fun. You're mingling. Someone compliments you on your dress or jacket or whatever you're wearing to look presentable. It's all going well. But then you come across that guy. You know, That Guy. The cool guy who's buds with all the guys and the object of lust of all the girls (and some of the guys). His hair has JUST enough product in it. His shirt is plain white with collars but somehow he makes it look like he's wearing sex. He's got jeans on. He's telling a bunch of girls how volunteering for the Big Brother program is soooo rewarding, all the while causing the girls to swoon and/or ovulate with desire. He's just that fucking cool.

And then he shits his pants.

Is he cool now? No, he's not. This commercial is fucking stupid.

- TheSilentG

*Awards may have been self-awarded.