Comic book geeks across the globe have been a-buzz about Michael Bay's interpretation of the classic 80's cartoon The Transformers for a good year now, but it's finally out and now we can look past all the hype and merchandising and judge the actual movie. Was it awesome? Did Bay finally find a movie he can direct? Is it a faithful adaptation of the childhood of a million 20-something fanboys out there? This review will decide whether there is more than meets the eye to this new summer blockbuster.
My methods haven't changed, I'll still be judging this movie by the Batman & Robin Movie Gradation Scale. One wonders when I'll have to stop reminding you all.
Story:
I know every Transformers geek out there will want to rip me a new asshole for saying this, but the Transformers never had an exceptionally epic or complicated story to them. Every episode of the original series that I can remember features Decepticons trying to make Energon cubes, and the Autobots fight them until the Decepticons retreat. Megatron vows vengence, Optimus Prime says something inspirational, and Bumblebee makes a funny quip that everyone laughs at. Wow, how cerebral.
That said, the Transformers have a rather classic appeal to them, and this movie actually doesn't do too bad in recreating that appeal; The Autobots and the Decepticons use Earth as a battlefield over, ironically, a cube, this one being the Allspark, which is essentially their God. Transfans will probably recognize its purpose as something similar to the Creation Matrix. Anyway, war on their home planet of Cybertron breaks out over control of this box, it's jettisoned into space, big badguy Megatron follows it and winds up frozen for thousands of years on Earth. The story starts as Sam Witwickey, the human protagonist in the movie, falls in the middle of this mechanical grudgematch when the Decepticons reach Earth and figure out that Sam has an old family heirloom that will lead them to the Allspark. Autobots arrive, Optimus declares Earth and its people must be protected at all costs, and the robot smashin' begins.
But with this classic story, Bay and his cinematic cronies feel the need to throw in other stories. Which wouldn't be bad if he kept it in moderation. But there are so many friggin' non-canon characters in this film it may as well be titled "Stupid-Ass Humans, featuring The Transformers." The giant robots take a back seat to these stupid characters in a lot of scenes in the film. I understand the need for a human element, Michael Bay, I really do. If we weren't in the middle of a giant interstellar civil war, then it'd have less of an emotional impact when they start fighting in our streets. But Anthony Anderson? Anthony Anderson? Anderson plays some supergenius code cracker who lives with his Grandma playing DDR all day long. And he does all of two things other than act like an ass; Finds Cybertronian glyphs in an audio file (the fuck?), and turns a computer on. That's it. Otherwise he's there to make with the funny. Well, supposedly, but he wasn't funny and I will get to that later.
The story was good enough to explain why giant killer robots were transforming into our cars and shooting heat rays at each other. We don't need the fucking stupid human characters who do nothing. Sam, his immediate friends and family, the government and the military. That's enough.
Character Development:
Anyone who has ever seen a Michael Bay film knows the man has no soul. How else could he take real people and direct them into having no personality, instead turning them into some campy caricature of pop culture? I hope the man never does a biography piece.
Yet, some of the character development surprised me in this movie. I mean, yes, 90% of the people seen on screen were exactly the type of person I just mentioned above. But there were some diamonds in the rough. Shia LaBeouf, who played Sam Witwickey, is a damn good actor. He managed to come off as human, despite Bay's best efforts to turn him into a Pop Homunculus like everyone else. This kid's going to make something of himself, and this film is going to help him along. I mean, if he can come off as human in a Michael Bay film, he's gotta be a genius.
The Transformers, again, never had much depth of character to them. Many of them were social stereotypes, and a number of the Autobots were no exception. I hated Jazz, the Pontiac Solstice. Everything he said was 'Gangsta.' EVERYTHING. He maybe said one thing to Optimus about Bumblebee that was serious. Maybe. He was the "Token Black" Autobot. He said nothing of worth. I really did not care an ounce when he was killed by Megatron at the end (oh, big spoiler. It was obvious from the start that he was the expendable one). The other Autobots were better, but they were no thespians. Ironhide, (a GMC Topkick truck) was the tough gritty guy, Ratchet (an H2 Hummer modified as an ambulance) was the cold, scientific guy who spoke in esoteric medical jargon all the time, and Bumblebee (a Camaro) was the underdog with a heart of gold. All the Decepticons were mostly just nasty evil aliens (a change I rather liked actually). The only one who had any real depth to character was Optimus Prime. I very much liked him in this movie. And having Peter Cullen, the original Optimus from the cartoon, reprise the role was a really nice nod to the fans. I don't think anyone could play Optimus like he could. Anyone can play the other Transformers. But even then, he had some very corny lines here and there.
Everyone else can suck balls. I hated Sam's shallow girlfriend, she was a bitch. I hated everyone in the government. I hated all the codebreakers. About the only other people I halfway liked were the two main soldiers in the film. They were important to the film and weren't corny. The secretary of Defense, the codebreakers, and Anthony Anderson had a battle with a robotic midget. No thank you.
Special Effects:
Wow. These were spectacular. When I heard that all the Transformers would be CGI, at first I cringed because a lot of CGI isn't up to par in my eyes. I was also relieved when I heard that a practical model of Bumblebee was made and would be used in a few scenes. But man, I changed my mind after this. The practical model looked more fake than the CGI. It was that good. The lighting on all the metal bits and pieces was very good, the detail in each robot was crazy (almost 10,000 moving pieces per robot, actually). They made giant machines and put emotion in their eyes (well, some of them). This is something everyone can agree on; these special effects kick ass.
However, I did have one complaint. Bay seemed INTENT on filming every sequence in the final battle as if it were being filmed on a handicam by someone running from the destruction. A little of this is fine, and I think in the beginning of the film when the Transformers are still a bit of a mystery, it's even appropriate. But most of the final battle, Michael Bay? This is when you're supposed to pull out all the stops. This is when you show off the one real talent as a director that you have and let the eye-popping special effects do their stuff. But this is all a blur. Seriously, dick move, Bay.
Still, not bad at all for the comparably small budget of $145 million you were given.
Music:
It was certainly decent, and the Autobot and Decepticon themes were pretty badass for a no-name composer who works with Michael Bay. But it seemed like they used these two themes over and over and over. We get it, enough. Come up with some new themes, or do distinct variations on the two mentioned. Also, I am severely pissed that there was no orchestrated version of the classic Transformers theme. Producer Tom DeSanto promised us one. He got my hopes up, only to dash them to the rocks with some lame-ass cover band called Mute Math. The closest we'll get is the music from this promo from over a year ago:
I'm not entirely sure if this was a legit trailer to begin with, and someone edited the words at the beginning, or if it's entirely fan based, but the music is still loads better than the following:
And even then, this doesn't appear at all in the film, just the soundtrack. Lame, Bay. Lame.
Humor:
Practically nonexistent. Yet everything was a joke. Almost paradoxical, when you think about it. Michael Bay and his writers try so hard to be funny and come off annoying or creepy. It's almost like a five-year-old trying to be funny in front of his parents and their dinner guests, only instead of telling knock-knock jokes, he draws a picture of a giant robot peeing on a government agent. It was stupid bullshit, pandering to the lowest common denominator of rap/movie references and masturbation jokes. Visual gags. Not stuff I find particularily hilarious. I think I may have chuckled once, but with all the stupid humor, I can't remember what it was I laughed at. But the audience was in stitches. Well, I guess that gives me a hint at the cultural intelligence of Yarmouth...
Product Placement:
Not as outright awful as Rise of the Silver Surfer, but still pretty bad. Numero Uno, every Autobot besides Optimus Prime (a Peterbuilt truck) has a vehicle mode of a GM car. Bumblebee, Chevy Camaro. Ironhide, GMC Topkick. Ratchet, H2 Hummer. Jazz, Pontiac Solstice. And even if they just left it there, it wouldn't be so bad. But firstly, every car in the movie was clearly a GM car. You see the logos everywhere. The government drives GMC. Every lameass in LA drives one. It was beyond believability. And the cross promotion is the worst. Here's an example:
Shit. And there's another one (God help me, I tried to find a youtube link of it) that boasts "When you travel 30 trillion miles, you won't pick just any car." Um, pardon my logic Chevy, but yes you would. If you were an alien, looking to disguise yourself, you would pick just any old car. It's like saying of humans traveling to an alien planet (assuming we had similar capabilities), "When you travel 30 trillion miles, you're not going to pick just any yttjtu-ool!" Like we know or care what a Yttjtu-ool even is. Get your head out of your ass, GM.
Aside from that, it is clear what other companies sponsor this movie; eBay (though important to plot, not so bad), XBox, Mountain Dew/Pepsi, Burger King, Nokia. All of which (besides eBay and Nokia) have their own cross-promotions. It's not too bad, having someone eating at BK and dropping the Nokia name. Not until they're exposed to the Allspark, anyway. Read my lips: Transforming Mountain Dew Vending Machine. I am serious. LAME, Michael Bay.
Still, at least when the Autobots take on cars, it's sort of logical, unlike the Dodge Fantasticar fiasco. And the rest of it, while noticable, isn't entirely self-fellating. But that's just one more reason I liked the Decepticons; aside from a Ford police cruiser, all the Decepticons were either military vehicles or, like Megatron, their own Cybertronian vehicles. The Decepticons aren't shills.
Direction/"Bayisms":
I will hand it to him, Bay has finally made a movie I can enjoy. Unlike every other film he's ever made, I was not bored through this movie. Some scenes were actually awesome. He even gave me a geekgasm or two. His depiction of the Decepticons as brutal alien monsters who for the most part don't bother to learn english because they're going to exterminate us anyway was a rather smart move. And deciding to make the Transformers look more alien? BRAVO, Michael Bay (there's a sentence I never thought I'd say). One thing that always bugged me was how human the Transformers always looked. The designs of these guys were exceptional. And while many Transfans have complained about this, I think the lack of dialogue and interaction with the humans, and the lack of explanations behind what the Autobots and Decepticons say to each other is rather interesting. In a real situation, the Decepticons wouldn't bother to explain their hatred for the Autobots, humans, or justice in general. And what we do hear between the robots, especially between Optimus and Megatron or Megatron and Starscream will sound very appropriate to any fan. It's like we're hearing snippets of thousand-year rivalries and histories. I rather liked that, and I will give Michael Bay his kudos for that.
However, as inherently awesome as this movie is, and despite the good choices he made, he made some huge mistakes. Putting too many characters in the film with no point, and especially when you can't develop a character to save your life, bad move. The crude, pop humor was really unwanted and uncalled for. It just wasn't appropriate for a Transformers film. Kids will watch this, and having a 5-minute discussion of masturbation was just wrong. OH, that's another thing. He dragged lame scenes far too long and cut awesome scenes far too short. We've got 15 minutes of Autobots hiding in Sam's backyard with supposedly hilarious results, and 12 minutes devoted to the bit players trying to defeat a decepticon CD player, and numerous others like it that could have been trimmed, the time better used to explain things a little better, or show more giant robots. He even was so brazen as to reference an earlier film of his in this picture...with a POSITIVE CONOTATION. When the Autobots landed, one lard-ass kid with a camera was seen running around screaming "This is like a hundred times better than Armageddon, I'm serious!" Like it's something to be proud of, Michael Bay. Indeed, it was many times more awesome than Armageddon. But the same can be said for a pile of dogshit. It's not a fair comparison. Get your own flacid dick out of your mouth, Michael Bay, and learn to direct movies properly.
This film, while certainly worth watching, is still very clearly a Michael Bay film. All his Bayisms show up; little to no character development, dragging out bad scenes, stupid humor that appeals to trailer trash, insistence on putting in lame popular music, weird transitions, scrambling to piece a story together coherently, making positive reference to his own work like it's actually good or something. It's all there. But underneath all that is an awesome movie. Which is better than I'd ever thought I'd give a Bay film. The best way I can describe it is it's like the Autobots wandered onto the set of a Michael Bay film.
FINAL SCORE:
1/4
After some thought, I realized that Michael Bay's Transformers is a textbook 1/4; An inherently awesome film, ruined slightly by stupid little things. And the stupid little things in this picture are called Bayisms. But, to be honest, if Bay was going to direct any sort of geeky franchise that I actually cared about, I'm glad it was Transformers.
It's a shame it's the case, because I think the franchise could be, but Transformers isn't terribly cerebral. It's pretty basic stuff. Good vs. Evil. Alien Robots with lasers. The premise carries on its own weight without too much trouble, once you throw in some background mythology. So putting Bay in charge of this isn't going to lower the standard by leaps and bounds. If they came out with "Spider-Man: A Michael Bay film," I'd be through the roof. There's subtlety and nuance to Spider-Man, and Batman, and all sorts of other big name characters. But there isn't so much with Transformers. And he was smart enough to hire Transfans as the writers, so alot of that needed mythology stayed intact. So really, as much as I was hoping that maybe this could be a 0/4, deep in my heart I knew it never could with Michael Bay. But as much as I left the theatre half disappointed, I also left half impressed. Bay actually made a watchable film.
So many of the reviewers before me said one needs to leave their brain at the door to really enjoy this film. I can't really do that, I'm always looking for the deeper story and the epic quality in a film. But even with one's brain, this film is certainly watchable and even enjoyable. I would personally suggest seeing it, if you're into this sort of thing anyway. If you're not into giant alien robots transforming and blasting each other with laser beams, then there's not much else here for you.
Well, that's it for me today. I'll be reviewing Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix soon enough, and I've got an open letter to write and a book review of Al Gore's The Assault on Reason forthcoming. Until next time, movie goers, transform and roll out!
- Silent G
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